The Truth is… Hope Heals.

Marise Angibeau-Gray

During the course of my doula training with DTI, I had the opportunity to meet some pretty amazing people. It was beautiful to witness so many people coming from different experiences and perspectives, all of which led us to work in the birth space. As doulas in training, we were able to learn from and connect with each other, which was so beneficial to my experience and I’m truly grateful for each of them. BUT, there was one person with whom I felt an immediate and deep connection from the moment she spoke up on one of our mentorship calls. Marise Angibeau-Gray brought up the rarely spoken topic of pregnancy loss and pregnancy after loss, two experiences which she and I are both very passionate about and require a very specific type of support. We’re both based in New Jersey and from that point on have worked closely together on helping to raise awareness of pregnancy loss and how important support is for those who endure it. I wanted to share her inspiring story to highlight her strength, while also providing hope to readers who may fear there is no light at the end of the tunnel. The truth is, pregnancy loss is common, but it can also be traumatizing, isolating, and painful. Hope not only helps to heal from these experiences, but it can also restore us in so many ways, and Marise is a testament to that promise.

As a full-spectrum doula, you support people through birth, postpartum, pregnancy loss, and any other reproductive health experiences that may require support. Can you share how your own personal experiences brought you to this sacred work?

Giving birth to my beautiful daughter, Memphys after experiencing three pregnancy losses at different stages in pregnancy was the catalyst for me to officially become a full-spectrum doula. I tried to find ways to cope with the grief of loss by reading stories of others who had lost children and searching for help that exists for families like ours. I came across the work of doulas and midwives and how they support communities through the full spectrum of reproduction. My interest in birth work, fertility, and body literacy grew from intrigue into a passion. After having an uncomplicated pregnancy and birth with Memphys, I finally had the opportunity to parent a healthy living child. The joy that I felt cleared the path for me to start supporting other families at every stage of their journey to parenthood.

Marise and her youngest daughter, Emory

What are some specific ways in which you support clients who have experienced loss or a previous pregnancy and/or birth trauma?

First and foremost, I approach each client with an enormous amount of empathy and patience. I haven't walked in their shoes, but I've been in their situation a number of times. You yearn to not feel isolated or judged by how you feel. I truly allow clients to guide our interactions in a way that feels the most comforting for them. Some clients just need a regular phone or in-person check-ins, where they can share whatever is on their minds without judgment. A big part of what I do with families who have experienced loss and/or trauma is provide resources for their needs as well as help them locate and navigate additional supports and providers for mental and physical health. I also extend my availability for families who are pregnant after a loss, knowing the compounded challenges and emotions that come with that experience. Helping clients to find compassionate care providers and planning through their prenatal, birth, and postpartum experiences are key elements to managing stress during pregnancy.

In your experience, where are the biggest support gaps in the reproductive health space, including emotionally, physically, and medically?

There are often profound emotional and medical, as well as informational gaps between clients and their medical providers. They're often left misinformed by what their choices are when it comes to their care. It leaves them feeling powerless and fearful. I think informed choice, and time to properly assess what's happening with each family is truly lacking in our medical system.

Has your work as a doula helped in your own healing process, and if so, how?

This work is life-giving in so many ways. Attending a birth or supporting a client through loss or even postpartum has helped me to see how beautiful all life experiences are and how resilient we are as people. It has forced me to check my own fears at the door, knowing that I need to be able to give myself the same encouragement I give to clients.

You now have two beautiful, healthy baby girls, how did your pregnancy losses influence the decisions you made surrounding these pregnancies and births?

My losses were a major reason for choosing an induction with my daughter Memphys. I didn't trust my body enough to go into spontaneous labor and I felt I needed some sense of control for her to make it earthside safely. Emory was born at home, which was also a decision made because of my history of loss. Choosing to have a home birth was in part, my way of not allowing my past heartbreak and pain to define my birth options. I wanted to restore my faith in my body.

What is your most important piece of advice for anyone who has experienced multiple losses and may be feeling lost or out of hope?

Be super kind and patient with yourself. There is no right way of grieving or managing pain, so do what is cathartic for you. Also, time and support will help you to heal and your emotions about your loss will evolve.